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2003-05-09 - 5:54 p.m. By Debby Morse The San Francisco Examiner ����THE LOVE THAT dare not speak its name? No, it's not homosexuality. It's the M-word. Self love. Autoeroticism. M�nage � moi. Euphemism of your choice. Remember that episode of "Seinfeld," the one where Jerry, Elaine, et al., placed bets to see who could refrain the longest from doing, er, "you know," as George put it? They never used the word, not even once, in the entire show. ����But we knew what they were talking about. Masturbation. There, I said it. And you can, too. Come on! You won't be considered a jerk. Anyone who tries to take a whack at you doesn't know jack. Tell 'em to beat it. ����According to Dr. Carol Queen, staff sexologist at Good Vibrations, it's time to drag this most private of pleasures out into the open (at least talking about it -- some more, uh, active activities probably are best left behind closed doors). ����Good Vibrations, the venerable San Francisco sex-toys and education emporium, has declared May National Masturbation Month, and is having a Masturbate-A-Thon this weekend to raise funds for women's health clinics. ����So it's all for a good cause. But it's strange how saying the M-word can get you in trouble. In 1994, Dr. Joycelyn Elders lost her job as President Clinton's surgeon general for suggesting that masturbation be taught in sex education. ����I may sound dumber than a sack of dildos here, but if they'd included masturbation on the curriculum of my sex-education class in 10th grade, I might have made a lot fewer bad choices later in life. (My husband says if masturbation was taught in school, he'd have got an A.) ����Let me share some quotes from a few of the brave souls in Good Vibrations' Masturbation Hall of Fame (Elders made the cut, by the way -- and her name has made it into the vernacular as slang for personal pleasuring): Anne Heche said, "Vibrators are great -- they save people from having stupid sex." ����Gloria Stewart, who played the character of the elderly Rose in "Titanic," told the New York Post: "I do not need a man. I am devoted to masturbation." ����Jamie Lee Curtis told Entertainment Weekly that she considers masturbation "an unbelievably good pastime." Claire Danes told Jay Leno: "It's a wonderful thing masturbation is being talked about more." ����No, I don't know why all the good quotes are from women. But it is a wonderful thing masturbation is being talked about more, no matter whose lips are doing it. ����And think of the benefits: No sexually transmitted diseases. No unintended pregnancies. No shameless pleading. No sneaking out of some strange apartment before dawn, hoping he or she doesn't wake up. Fun! ����Carol Queen, the sexologist, sees the Masturbate-A-Thon as a consciousness-raising experience, too. ����In order to get sponsors to pay you for doing diddly, she explains, you have to come clean, linguistically. "The challenge here is saying 'I intend to masturbate for a day.' It's not considered appropriate." (For you chickens who choke on frank language, Queen likes the euphemism "tossing the pink salad.") ����But once you utter the word, the reaction you get tells you something. "It's a friend detector, an intimacy meter," says Queen. ����It's a money-maker as well. The first Masturbate-A-Thon raised a few thousand dollars and, yes, size counts -- numbers have been going up every year. ����Combined totals for the first three years were more than $20,000, all of it donated to charitable recipients, raised by some 500 participants! Give yourselves a hand! ����This year's Masturbate-A-Thon (the fourth -- my, how time flies when you're having fun) runs today through Sunday, and keeping track of the time you spend, ahem, contributing is on the honor system. Witnesses are optional. ����The amount of the pledge you request is up to you, too. What are you worth? A dime a minute? A dollar? ����The theme of this year's fund-raiser is "Think globally, masturbate locally." ����What that means is that Good Vibrations is not alone in asking people to get off on doing good this weekend; it is joined in this effort by sex-toy stores in New York, Seattle, Boston and Toronto. ����If you need any inspiration, visit one of the stores. There you'll find one-handed reading material along with how-to manuals -- and if they're still in stock, even a Hello Kitty vibrator. Could anything be more innocent? ����I hear "Attack of the Clones" is a stinker. You'd be better off watching reruns of the better episodes, in the privacy of your home, while you do a little lightsaber practice with Captain Solo. � 
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